Rob Newman

A simple warning

In amongst all the clamour about how the electorate are learning to love the Leader of the Opposition, Brian Reade in the Mirror offers a frighteningly plausible view of what a Cameron premiership would look like. In fact, this would make an excellent attack at PMQs:

[This] is what this former TV spin doctor will promise. He'll paint a picture of long shadows on county cricket grounds and old maids cycling through morning mists. Real Blighty, before it was corrupted by liberal immorality. He'll pledge beat bobbies issuing clips round ears, hula-hoops and 10 bob notes. He'll promise a post office and a thriving pub on every corner, unlocked front doors, thin children and a Hattie Jacques matron for every hospital ward.

But what will happen after a few years of rule by the Eton Rifles is that ... the NHS will be savaged by privatisation meaning ... stillborn births up, coronary-care units shut and cervical smear tests pulled unless you're in Bupa.

He'll talk about taking us out of Europe and make Nigella Lawson the Minister for Women Knowing Their Place ... Hunting will be legalised, hanging floated, grammar and public schools provided for the wealthy, secondary-moderns and boot-camps for the rest ... State benefits will be slashed ... immigrants freely targeted ...

And the soundtrack will change from Magic Moments to Who's Sorry Now?

BBC dreadful, say BBC comment thread users

Oh dear. The new BBC News 'look' is not going down well with the Have Your Say rent-a-mob. "We'd really like to know what you think about our changes," writes Peter Horrocks. Er, OK:

It's flimsy and insubstantial.

[T]hose graphics and the ticker are foul.

The scrolling text down the bottom of the screen is now ... very ugly.

The colour scheme and motion is [sic] nauseating.

It reminds me of the opening credits to Brass Eye

The sequence looks good but it needs to be slowed down. You might give someone an epileptic fit whilst they're eating their breakfast!

The background to the new News looks like a vandalised scratched plastic window on a bus shelter.

It seems that the BBC is going mad for stamping its "athuritah" (Cartman voice) over all the programmes that it produces in a sort of tribal-marking-with-urine sort of way [sic] that bears no relevance to what viewers actually care about.

Is there anyone left at the BBC who understands that you are a public service broadcaster? You should not be competing with the commercial sector for the most scandalous speculation and gossip. You should focus on the quality of the output, with the emphasis on fact rather than opinion. This rebranding exercise will not improve your output. There will be more trivia, celebrity stories, sports events given more significance than wars and endless broadcasting from the doorsteps of murder victims or suspects, trying to scare us regardless of the statistics, supported by comments from the same dozen 'rent a mouths' that seem to have opinions on everything but understand nothing and don't reflect the public mood.

Please will someone save our BBC from this descent into the depths of mediocrity?

Ouch!

(Don't) Let Boris Be Boris

The Sunday Times has a revealing article on the malaise at the heart of the Boris Johnson campaign for London Mayor which has resulted in him letting a lead over Ken Livingstone slip to a photo finish:

[T]he word is that he’s being closely managed, gagged and strait-jacketed . . . Maybe they’re getting to him. Today, I notice, there is something strangely awkward about him: not the awkwardness of a dyspraxic teddy bear walking upright – he’s always been like that – but an uneasiness that comes from within.

Read more here.

Neon bible

Thanks to Adam for pointing us towards the neon horror which is Liberal Youth's 'new' website. Argh, my eyes!

As Adam rightly points out:

So what, I hear you cry, is the purpose of the Liberal Youth organisation? Is it to organise and represent young people on bodies such as the NUS? What about as an organisation to campaign for real change across the world, reviving youth and student activism?

Helpfully, we are provided with a mission statement: 'Our aim is to create a permanent bloc of young Liberal Democrat voters. Our strategies identify young voters, engage and educate them in issues and campaigns, and then use traditional and innovative methods to turn out the vote.'

So Liberal Youth is nothing more than a vehicle to get more people to vote Lib Dem. How inspiring!

The Labour Students website is much better. If I do say so myself.

Strange phobias

Dave Rowntree, of Blur, is a Labour candidate for the next election, in Cities of London and Westminster. And he fears string. Of all things.

"It is time, finally, to weild Occam's lawnmower"

I miss Ben Macintyre as the Times' parliamentary sketchwriter. He has such a sharp eye and he carried none of the cynicism that Ann Treneman currently brings to the role. Happily he still writes comment pieces for Murdoch's organ, including one today accurately reflecting the last poll on this site re: the Diana inquiry circus.

I have a conspiracy theory about the tragic and absurd waste of time, effort and money that is the interminable Diana story: it is all the fault of the French.

I am not referring to the events leading up to the Princess's death, but what happened after it. If the French judicial authorities had investigated the crash openly, publicly and, above all, swiftly in the immediate aftermath of the crash, we might have been spared the painful farrago that has since ensued: the extraordinary accusations, the “revelations” about the love lives of the dead, the refusal to let this sad and simple story rest in peace.

If the French investigation had been conducted differently, we would probably not have had to endure the spectacle of a fatal traffic accident involving a young mother being transformed into the mother of all conspiracy theories. [...]

One French judge, one ex-policeman and now a British coroner have all tried to force the death of Diana back into the realm of reality. The only person capable of doing that, however, may be a 14th-century English Franciscan friar and logician named William of Okham.

“Occam's razor” is the logical principle that as few assumptions as possible should be made about any given phenomenon. At its simplest, it means: “All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.” Occam's razor is thus the metaphorical tool used to slice away spurious arguments and theories.

The simplest and earliest explanation of what happened to Diana was always the best, but French secrecy and slowness ensured that, after a decade, the case still bristles with uncertainty, recrimination and doubt.

In the hothouse of the internet, planted by amateur sleuths, nourished by rumour and half-digested information, the weeds of conspiracy have been allowed to bloom and cross-fertilise all over the Princess's grave. It is time, finally, to wield Occam's lawnmower.

Quite a hit

Less astonishing than the fact that "Son of Star Wars" actually works is the fact that, to shoot down one wonky satellite, it costs $30 million.

Suck my d***, f*** face

Gordon Ramsay, eat your heart out!

The man, the legend

The Times lionises The Shat.

Green is the new black(shirt)

Samizdata ("developing the social individualist meta-context for the future") has an excellent article on everyone's favourite cuddly lefties, the Green Party. Only it turns out that they're not so cuddly (or indeed lefty) after all. In a very well-researched and referenced post, the author identifies some rather disconcerting similarities with the policies of a certain other fringe party on the other side of the political spectrum, including forbidding the purchase of corner shops by migrants and granting British citizenship only to children born in this country.

Full article is here.